I Like Big Butts and I Cannot Lie

Last night was Sunwell Plateau with Amateur Azerothian’s Laid Back Raids. Not only was it beautiful, but satisfying. I can’t even begin to count the times I flew over this big, fat, stupidhead on the long grind to get the Shattered Sun Offensive to love me. All I could do was hurl insults down at Brutallus then. Finally, some closure. Might go back today and take a flyover just to rub it in.

Also Shoryl of Tiny WoW Guild has Laid Back Dungeons for those looking for a specific dungeon. Some people in JD’s raids are looking for transmog gear, some are sightseeing, I’m a sightseer for the most part.

I should have known better, because Cat really can’t handle her liquor. But I wanted some wine. This has no effect on the Warlocks, but Druid soon lost the ability to read chat and stumbled around taking screen shots. She did notice she’d acquired a lovely green glow so I guess she decided to show it off, infecting everyone with some type of horrible communicable disease. Her brave companions were probably cursing her in chat but thankfully she couldn’t read it. She was totally oblivious from ONE WINE COOLER.

Anyway, that’s okay, so she can’t hold her wine coolers, big whoop. The other problem is more serious. Druid is definitely my main, she is my favorite, all of them know it. But I hate melee. I had this epiphany some time ago, but it reared it’s head again last night or I should say reared it’s stupid butt. Or didn’t. WHATEVER!

The problem is butts. See this picture? There’s a visual cue there, a tail. If every boss were a manageable size with a tail maybe she’d have no problem. She’s supposed to be biting them in the butt but she can rarely tell where it is. They’re generally 20 feet tall and if they have a butt it’s way up there somewhere above her head, she can’t see it. Sometimes she has to resort to trying to see if the boss is wearing pointy-toed shoes for a clue.

I mean look at this picture of Kel’Thuzad. First he’s wearing a dress and then he doesn’t even have any feet for pity’s sake. WTF! NERDRAGE! NERDRAGE! NERDRAGE! OH AND WAIT! Here’s another, they give dragons tails, yay! She knows where their butt is now. But wait! Stop, Cat, Stop! Don’t go toward the butt, don’t go toward the butt! Tail Swipe! Oh, too late. Don’t you think that’s just the least bit sadistic?

What is she supposed to do. No butt, no feet, I mean come on. And usually she’s so engrossed in trying to find a butt that noticing crap on the floor is a pipe dream.

She usually starts out with good intentions. But after shredding away and noticing she has no combo points building up and realizing she’s been doing squat all because whatever she’s been shredding IS NOT HIS BUTT she usually gives up and starts spamming WHATEVER THE HELL WILL HIT HIM.

Blizzard, really, couldn’t we take the “Must be behind the target” off of shred? Why do you torment her this way? She’s a lovely girl, okay she chases human males but I don’t see that as being a serious enough character flaw to justify torturing her like this. Take the FREAKING BEHIND THE TARGET CRAP off of shred … um … please?

She will always be my main and she knows it but, do you see why she drinks? Do you see? Melee sucks. Warlocks rule. I need another wine. Hold the cooler part.

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8 Responses to “I Like Big Butts and I Cannot Lie”

  1. heh, oh i got a much-needed giggle out of this. ^_^ has to be one of the most adorable “zomg game mechanic argh” post I’ve ever read. Thank you!

  2. Hmm, I now have questions for my husband when he returns home from work. He quit playing his rogue when they took away the positional requirements of mutilate and he loves shred…. Also he always lets me go up stairs first, supposedly because I’m clumsy and that way he can catch me……

    I think since they’ve changed most other similar mechanics, shred should probably change too.

    • Yes, yes, um, I’m sure he’s behind you to catch you!

      I’m really fine with melee except for the shred requirement. It’s always so nice though with a Warlock to stand back with a great view and actually avoid things on the floor cause I can see them instead of thrashing around in a group of bodies trying to find a butt.

      • That’s why I always raid as ranged, you get a far better view of the proceedings. Tanking and melee dpsing involve far too many butts, either yours if you are tanking or theirs.

        In pvp strangely enough I’m fine as melee though, weird.

  3. You know, when I first read the title, I thought it was something to do with Mr Bear, but then I read it and laughed my ass off! I know EXACTLY what you mean which is why I am often reluctant to play cat because I can’t tell where the back is half the time and it’s a good few seconds of “you have to be behind to do that” before i realise I’m not actually shredding. And of course, because I’ve been doing ultraxion as kitty where you can’t GET behind, I’ve almost forgotten that you’re supposed to go behind and do awesome numbers. Whoops. Oh god, this work computer, is it going to eat my comment? I might have to make it a funny name.

    • LOL! When I was writing about it the lyrics from the song “Baby Got Back” kept playing in my head so that’s where the title came from.

      I know, finding that butt is the difference between doing some nice damage or doing nothing at all, poor Druid!

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