And it’s the freaking fourth circle of hell! I’m not kidding, it’s no joke. Yes, I’ll get back to WoW shortly but this just totally freaked me out. You gentlemen can move along, nothing to interest you here. And I know all the ladies who come here are young, svelte, and beautiful beyond compare. But the future … OMG! The Double Eyebrow Club awaits! They’re waiting!
I guess I need to give a little background for this to make any kind of sense. Years ago when I was like … you know … young, I noticed with alarming frequency woman of a certain age with double eyebrows. Something like the recreation above. They’d start out normal and then about halfway through there’d be a course deviation and that sucker would take wing and you’d be left with a penciled on second half of an eyebrow.
What did this mean? Some kind of fashion statement? Some fad or a cult of badass grannies? Did they really think it looked good? I was stymied, but being young I didn’t give much thought to what the older crowd was doing and I just let the whole thing go, but I always thought of them as The Double Eyebrow Club, probably had a secret handshake and everything.
Time passed. And passed. Enter, Presbyopia. Presbyopia is an eye condition affecting everyone past the age of 40-43. The “my arms are no longer long enough to read” disease. The “I have fifteen pair of cheap grocery store magnifying glasses scattered around the house” disease. In my case to combat it I have bifocal contacts, one eye sees close up and one drives the car and my brain somehow tricks my eyes into thinking their both seeing stuff.
I’ve been told however, that I won’t get away with this forever. As Presbyopia advances there’ll come a point that my brain will scream STOP THE MADNESS and will refuse to focus and then I’ll have to buy fifteen pair of cheap glasses too.
Okay, here’s the scary part. I saw a good friend of mine recently. She keeps in shape, I mean the crazy woman runs marathons, always looks good and has impeccable taste. SHE HAD A FREAKING DOUBLE EYEBROW, OMG, WHAT DO I SAY, OR SHOULD I JUST KEEP QUIET, OMG WHAT DO I DO!
I tried not to stare. She’d never have done this on purpose. She’d been initiated into the Double Eyebrow Club. She obviously was kinda a noob as she only had one double eyebrow and I think you’re supposed to do both … as far as I know. I tried to stay calm. She’s older than me, I think three years older but, granted I was panicking, so I could be wrong. Was she here FOR ME? Did they send her? Crap! THE EVIL COVEN OF DOUBLE EYEBROWED GRANNIES!
I managed to make it through the rest of the visit by sitting on her good eyebrow side. After she left, I ran upstairs to check my eyebrows, whew, all good. Everything’s where it’s supposed to be. After I calmed down I finally realized that this probably wasn’t an evil club, it was Presbyopia. They can’t see what they’re doing, but they still do it.
I recently complimented my daughter on her outfit. She replied, “Are you sure it looks alright, I feel like I’m mutton dressed as lamb.” OMG! How can she even think that. And anyone out there? Don’t ever start thinking that. YOU ARE NOT MUTTON UNTIL YOU’VE DRAWN YOUR FIRST DOUBLE EYEBROW!
Me? I’m going shopping to find the best, most expensive bathroom magnifying glass I can find. One made by Nasa and tested in space … made of titanium … with lenses ground by the people who make them for places like the Palomar Observatory.
I hope it will work, a lot’s riding on this. I’m going to do everything humanly possible to avoid my first … baaa baaa … double eyebrow.
Wild Night, the original … just feels right.